of nature and guilt

Guilty. Guilty of plebian pleasures and gilded whispers. Guilty of limping through shadowed circles and exposing my soft belly for the taking. Guilty of liking it.

She was the lark, and I the loon.

but the curtains opened...

now she sings sharkly, and I am chum producing chum producing chum until the water is more salty with blood and mis-directed vascular excretion than crystal salt and diamond nature

Guilty of still liking it. Guilty of turning sharp things into soft things, and as the teeth sink in, guilty of laughing over and over again, thrashing flesh, busy fingers

I should have known to stick to cool colors. Purple. Aqua-marine. Forest greens and chocolate browns. Nature gave me a sign, a warning, a warning that I ignored. Guilty. Guilty of indulging in radiant feathers.. red, yellow, gold, Amber.

So.. birds.. bees.. stranger strangers.. stranger bird.. new friend.. old friend.. friend of all.. lay blame as you like. I am guilty. But not wrong.

My phone is warm. For some reason, I assume that it's because it was previously filled with your voice, even though it was just a recording.

I have waited weeks for this train-- sitting cross legged reading black and white paper, gray news under gray clouds. Arrival.

This is the right train. Finally. This is taking me places.

7am and I am awake. Make breakfast. Do dishes. Class. Write. Notes. Work.

Dinner.

Damn kids. My mother told me that if I put a penny on the tracks, I could derail the train. I thought about it every time I went somewhere with those machines that will eat 4 quarters and 1 penny, and give you 1 penny the size of a quarter, with it's "This is the best place ever/good thing you came here and got this damn penny squished so you will never forget your childhood.. unless you put me in a jar and put my jar in a box and my box in a closet and my closet in the far reaches of your now adult, or at least less innocent/penny squishing existence" signature, shiny where it was previously darkened by the mystery of time and pockets. You could have put that penny on a railroad track-- for free.

Shame nobody told those damn kids about how a single penny, can derail a 20,000 ton train.

She came. Jubilee. No sleep. Toss. Turn. Dreams of torture. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Im late. Blank page. Blank page. Blank screen. Emails? Damnit. I can't. Not today. Today I am a beehive and every thought is a bee and buzz buzz buzz they won't ever ever leave me alone or shut up and I am creative or desperate or curioius but not concentrated or ethical and certainly not going to the right place to see the right people or write the right damn things nononono. onesinglepennyandihavetippedoverintoascrapingwaveofironbearingearthandstoneandcoalintoacraterwitha newfacemoreshinyandnewbutinrealityancientandwhatisthisactionntostoppingforapparentlymybrilliantengineerdesignedmewith
antifrictioncarstoslideslideslideovergoodweatherandgoodfriendsandgoodfornothingnothings.screeeeeeeeeechscraaaaaape.

Ding. 8 little soldiers. I gobble them up.

L535

8 little soldiers. 2 more hours.

Lets make new words.

Yesterday I came home and couldn't find my keys. Backpack... no. Pockets... no. Spare... yes. Did anybody see me? Perhaps. And perhaps this why I invented a baseball bat that is hollowed out and pocketed with holes for pneumatic spikes. I have a baseball bat... would a metal one be cooler? No, I like the juxtaposition of the violence and the classic, while I lay in bed trying to fall asleep.

Door handle is on the left. Is that normal? I can't remember. Key is on the right. I extend my right arm lefterly, turn, squeeze, turn, push, and take a step forward with my right foot.

There is a new word for the pain I felt shoot through the inside of my left shoulder blade-- a pain that wasn't new, but presented it's self in a new context. My body is contorted to the rhythm of some banal version of twister, my right foot entering the dark and powerless (literally, powerless. I accidentally set my wall on fire because I "overpowered" the circuit with a space heater. The heat was nice... the smell wasn't worth it), and my left foot pointing to the back of my right heel, while tailing the last bit of sunlight of that day.

I grunted some word. Isn't that how all words begin?

L535

Take 4-8 with water every 4 hours. Do not exceed 48 in a twenty four hour period.

I like these pills. They taste horrible, but there is a certain satisfaction in taking more than 2 of any kind of pill. I feel like Elvis.